Joe Thornton Facts (Part 1)

Here are some Joe Thornton facts I found on boards for opposing teams (Cnucks and Stars).  Feel free to add your own.

Joe Thornton Haiku:

Thornton comes to town,
not Sturm, Primeau, or Stuart
Go to hell Bruins

Joe Thornton Facts:

Joe Thornton never loses the puck. The puck occasionally realizes that it is not worthy of being in the presence of Joe Thornton.

The only reason Chris Pronger is alive is because Joe Thornton finds his futile efforts amusing.

San Jose is the safest metropolitan city in the United States. Criminals know better than to mess with Joe Thornton.

The reason it's warmer during the summer is because the sun can finally get help from Joe Thornton. Joe Thornton doesn't care what the weather is like outside a hockey arena until the offseason.

Joe Thornton once won a swimming competition by freezing the pool and skating across. The judge thought about disqualifying him, until he saw Joe Thornton winding up for a slap shot.

Scientists found a much more efficient way to search for intelligent life in the universe. They simply attach a post-it note with the word "Sup" to a hockey puck, and a Joe Thornton wrist shot launches the puck, with pinpoint accuracy, to every planet out there. The scientists know there's intelligent life on a planet if they see red goal lights flashing.

Every time Joe Thornton loses a faceoff, a baby dies in the womb.

When a Tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around, Joe Thornton hears it fall.

There is no such thing as "disabled" people, only people who have been checked by Joe Thornton.

Joe Thornton is the only person in the world who has permission to touch MC Hammer.

Joe Thornton could stop global warming, but he decided that polar bears are overrated.

Time is divided into two eras: B.C. (Bruin Confinement) and A.D. (After Deal).

The only things certain in life are death and taxes. When the IRS asked Joe Thornton to pay, they became the same thing.

Joe Thornton's playoff beard cannot be shaved by any razor on Earth.

Wayne Gretzky is called "The Great One" because all other positive adjectives are reserved exclusively for Joe Thornton.

Someone once told me "nothing is impossible." Obviously, he had never tried to intercept a pass from Joe Thornton.

The Ice Age occurred because Joe Thornton couldn't find an adequate hockey rink.

Joe Thornton once counted to infinity. He still couldn't find a number big enough to count his total number of assists.