The Montreal Adventures of Mr. K.
by Mr. K. on Mar 2, 2009 1:21 PM PST
in Fear The Fin News
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Road warrior that he is, Fear the Fin’s own Dustin (aka Mr. K.) made his way this weekend from sunny California to the frigid climes of Montreal, Quebec, to see his beloved 3-time Pacific Division champions, the San Jose Sharks, take on the 24-time <<Coupe Stanley>> winners, the Montreal Canadiens, for the Habs’ 3,000th home game. Though he regrets the result of the game (a 2-3 loss for Team Teal), he does not regret traveling so far for so short a time. He shall now explain to you why that is – completely in the third person, and with only minimal hyperbole.
To get to Montreal, Our Hero required a rental vehicle – which was reluctantly granted him for the low low price of $37, in spite of his criminal driving record in 33 countries. He then blazed a trail on I-89, melting accumulated roadside snow in his wake, en route to the Quebec border. At the border, though he had a weapon stockpile and drug cache (merci pour le "hookup," Claude), Our Hero negotiated terms in French with the Canadian agent, who agreed not to search the vehicle if Our Hero bestowed upon him his extra hockey ticket (valued at $50,000 Canadian, or roughly $150 USD).
Once across the border into The Hallowed Land of the Habs, Our Hero piloted his contraband-laden vehicle towards the Isle of Montreal at 250 kilometers per hour, ignoring the French-only roadsides, whose sole purpose was to piss off the 70% of Canadians that wouldn’t be able understand them.
Wearing four layers of clothing, including his Sharks chandail, Our (easily chilled) Hero slipped and slid his way across the icy streets (not unlike opposing coaches crossing the ice to the bench) towards Le Metro, to access Vieux (Old) Montreal.
Our Hero then made his way towards the river, where an outdoor skating rink was set up for the masses. Determined to show that Californians could skate with the best of them, Our Hero proudly pirouetted his way across the ice while boasting his non-Habs jersey. Montreal denizens were stunned at the out-of-towner’s presence, not to mention his skill with the blades. Our Hero never once fell, he might add.
With only 45 minutes before practice was to begin, Our Hero took Le Metro towards Le Centre Bell (formerly the Molson Centre).
Our Hero then was forced to seduce one of the female agents guarding the 100 level seats, in order to gain access to the glass for practice, which was not permitted to anyone but ticket holders – a curious novelty for the Sharks fan, given that every other arena he had been to allowed universal access to the glass.
Double-crossed by the vixen-agent, Our Hero found himself on the Habs’ side during practice. Our Hero was angered by this betrayal, since he could not give his covert messages to Brian Boucher and team. He made use of his time by surreptitiously photographing the Canadiens, for future missions.
Once at his 300-level seat, Our Hero grabbed both a Molson beer and a hot dog, and let his guard down for a second by not checking for poison. Fortunately, Our Hero’s developed immunity saved him from a painful demise, and thus he was able to savor the Canadian brew as well as one of the best NHL hot dogs around.
And then the game began. The Montreal Canadiens came onto the ice between a pair of young hockey acolytes, baring the standards of the Habs. The Cult of the Canadiens was in full effect, and Our Hero had infiltrated their pagan headquarters.
As the Canadiens surprisingly built a 3-0 lead in the first period, Our Hero was serenaded with two distinct chants: "O-lay, o-lay… O-LAY, olayolayolay…" and "Boo-shaaaaaay." He also had the misfortune to sit next to Patrice Brisebois’ male lover, who moaned for his companion with many a "Patriiiice! C’mon Patriiiiice!" in francophied English.
Our Hero received an upbeat phone call at the first intermission from secret agent ang6666, who sadly reported that not all was well on the home front. The faith would be kept, however, much to Our Hero’s encouragement.
The second period began with a Sharks comeback, which allowed Our Hero to flaunt his signed Pavelski jersey to the stands behind him, as well as shout "Haaaaaaa-laaaaaak" in defiance. The Cult of the Canadiens was not amused, and made plans for a satanic sacrifice at the next intermission.
Speaking of the second intermission, Our Hero was contacted by one Lurker Shark, and the two exchanged greetings and words of support.
Unfortunately, Our Hero’s failure to deliver the covert messages to Brian Boucher cost the Sharks the game. His secondary mission (poisoning Jaroslav Halak’s Gatorade) likewise was unsuccessful. Considering hari-kari, Our Hero slipped and slid his way back to his hotel, where he retired for the evening, following a notice that he sent to his FTF bureau, accepting the blame for the loss.
On Sunday morning, Our Hero awoke to colder temperatures than Saturday – and stayed in bed accordingly. He had until 2:30pm to speed back into the U.S. to rendez-vous with his private jet out of Burlington, and thus he needed to move quickly to spy out as much of the city as possible.
He began by walking two blocks to McGill University, aka "Canada’s Harvard," which was devoid of human activity in preparation for a busy week ahead for its soon-to-be-drug-addled students.
Though Our Hero’s mind was full, his belly was not, so he made his way to a local slop shop for Quebec’s culinary showpiece – poutine – stopping en route to buy contraband Cuban cigars.
Ah, poutine, essentially French fries drenched in beef gravy and cheese curds – Our Hero’s refined sense of taste was assaulted on the first bite, before his tongue acclimatized to the situation.
To walk off his 3,000 calorie intake, Our Hero made his way below street-level to Montreal’s Underground City – a 5 square kilometer maze of shops and galleries, as well as apartments. Our Hero despises shopping malls, and did not last long underground, despite being impressed that such a massive subterranean complex could exist.
Finally, after recovering his vehicle, Our Hero made his way up Mont-Royal, for which Montreal (Royal Mountain) is named. From here, Our Hero spied out the ugly Olympic Stadium, and saw the boundaries of the Isle of Montreal formed by the St. Lawrence River.
2:30 had arrived, and Our Hero sped his way to the U.S. border, where he was accosted by an over-zealous border agent who refused to believe that Our Hero came for a hockey game, when his passport contained stamps from such unusual countries as Syria, Lebanon, and the Philippines. Of course, Our Hero made no mention of the weapon and drug transaction described herein – or the Cuban cigars which he had on his person.
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Nice stuff
K….thanks for the story…er….recap…ah…whatever
Fear the Fin....where being an old guy isn't all bad
Haha
“Whatever” is more like it. A little bit of this, a little bit of that… all 100% true… :-D
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
I never for a minute
doubted the ‘true’ part
Fear the Fin....where being an old guy isn't all bad
by Dave Valentine on Mar 2, 2009 5:11 PM PST up reply actions
He also had the misfortune to sit next to Patrice Brisebois’ male lover…
I didn’t know Plank went too.
LOL
No no no – note the word “male,” thereby excluding Plank.
(awaits termination of admin status…)
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
That’s what I thought, too, until I finally tried it this past summer. It’s actually not that half bad, although it’s definitely a once-a-trip meal.
Definately need to try Montreal poutine, however – I’ve only had poutine from Toronto fast-food restaurants and while good, I’ve heard it’s nothing compared to how it’s served fin its birthplace.
Bay Area born and bred.
Agreed
Once-a-trip = more would ruin the magic. I was in Toronto last summer, and I wouldn’t dare go with their version = damn Anglophone Canucks, always keeping the Frenchy down ;-)
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Kinda reminds me on animal fries.
It takes a big man to cry and it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -Jamie Baker
Mission Accomplished?
That made a great story time for me
FTF: WAATMF (Where Acronyms are too much fun)
Very good story!
Shame bout the loss … but … (shrugs) … least we didn’t lose by 8 – zip. :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Mar 2, 2009 3:20 PM PST reply actions
So
does this mean every time we go on FTF Mr. K’s face will be right in front of us?
FTF: WAATMF (Where Acronyms are too much fun)
But, yeah. That was pretty awesome. Props for your ability to skate, from the person who has fallen while holding onto the wall.
Is skating as easy as I think it is?
If so that would be awesome.
The only time I ever ice skated was when I was 10. I fell a total of 7 times in 1 hour. I probably spent 45 minutes holding onto the wall
FTF: WAATMF (Where Acronyms are too much fun)
Me too, my first time – I actually never made it past the wall. When I went to New York last year to follow the Sharks, I wound up at Rockefeller Center, and forced myself to skate. It eventually came, and I fell only twice. Three months ago I fell HARD on my left knee, damaging the cartilage, in only my 3rd time on the ice (for a student’s birthday party). I’m finally healed – 98%.
I still don’t know how to stop on a dime – I just kinda slow down, guaging where I’ll need to stop skating and just start gliding to a stop. Logitech Ice offers lessons, but on Tuesday nights, which is the absolute worst night of the week for me.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Yeah … dont’ the Sharks usually play like every Tuesday night? :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Mar 2, 2009 3:53 PM PST up reply actions
They do a lot...
But I actually have parent-teacher meetings once a month, plus other obligations, that would keep me from doing the lessons consistently.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Thanks!
Our Hero never once fell, he might add.
That’s about the only thing in that segment that’s true – amazingly. Only the 4th time I’ve been ice skating in my life – and third in the last year. You might have noticed, but I embellish my tales a wee bit ;-)
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
I noticed that a bit
But still – out in the open while holding onto something other than the wall is a feat I can only dream of achieving.
Seriously, I was standing still while holding onto the wall – with both hands – and I still fell. Me = complete and utter fail.
Ouch
I’ve done that too – because the ice by the wall slopes downward, I think. The best time to skate is of course right after the zamboni finishes – I’ve flown face first when my (dull) skates hit a ridge in the ice.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Ah. You see, I was skating at Holiday Ice in downtown, and that place never gets zamboni’d. Which could also explain my failure to stay on balance, but as similar things have happened to me before at much nicer rinks, I think its safe to say that I cannot skate.
What really bugs me is when my friend (who has been skating for a decade or so) complains that its so hard to skate on bad ice as she’s flying around the rink, sometimes skating backwards. In those instances, I like to glare at her as I pull myself along the wall.
Never done Holiday Ice – the outdoor rink, right? At any rate – stick with it, girl, cause you’ll get it. I’ll need lessons myself, one of these days – as I follow through with my hockey fantasy.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
All this talk of skating is giving me an idea...
It takes a big man to cry and it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -Jamie Baker
FTF skating!
Hell, we could add it Saturday. Public skate’s from 1:15-4:00. We could hit the ice for a while then head upstairs to Stanley’s. If there’s any interest I’ll update the Meet the Fins.
It takes a big man to cry and it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -Jamie Baker
Dangit!
I’m hoping to go to Tahoe – but this sounds fun. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…. I’ll think about it.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
The last time I went skating
Was a few years back at Berkeley Iceland for a Cal Bears hockey postgame brouhaha. The ice has ridges like Ruffles potato chips, so the smallest divot would send me flailing like a tightrope walker in a wind tunnel.
It was pretty damn awkward being the lone super spaz, but a few Golden Bears were kind enough to spot me, though it may not have been as much for my sake as for the children – wouldn’t want to see me tumble over lil’ Timmy now, eh.
I'm a happy seal
by SwisherThresher on Mar 2, 2009 4:14 PM PST up reply actions
Haha
I once took out a little Chinese girl – the language barrier made me look like an evildoer, though for the record, she ran into me. Her parents pointed me out to their friends – good times.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Haha
Me too, actually – quick, someone throw something up that we can put on the front page!
(or I could just put up a different photo… ah hell, I’m just so good looking, and the trade deadline will give us something in 24 hours to throw up, plus a game thread….)
Ok, I lied – leave my handsome mug up there so I can give you my icy stare ;-)
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
I’m just so good looking
Did you say that with a straight face? (teasing ya know)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Mar 2, 2009 7:55 PM PST up reply actions
Haha
No – I’m not exactly God’s gift to women, so I’m usually self-deprecating with my appearance (or, in this case, ironic).
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Fantastic tale
don’t think I’d be brave enough to try poutine. And while I can skate, I fear for the folks on the ice with me. Congrats on staying upright.
resident cartoonist @couchtarts.blogspot.com
Don't miss the poutine!
If you’re in Quebec, that is – go to a recommended place, because I’ve heard horror stories. The place I went to was recommended by the hotel manager – the man knew his stuff, though it looked like a run-of-the-mill diner when I walked in.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
On the plus side
The flight was half empty, and I was the only one in my row of 3… not that I’m, uh, suggesting anything… ewww.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Only one in your row … that could be fun … if you had someone with you that is … then you wouldnt’ be the only one. so nevermind.
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Mar 2, 2009 7:55 PM PST up reply actions
WOW
Ever do one of those lavatory rendez-vous’s? :-D
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Not yet … it’s still on my list of things to do. :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Mar 2, 2009 8:33 PM PST up reply actions
Ang6666's Personal Bucket List
1. See the Pyramids of Egypt
2. Hanky-panky inside the pyramids (all 3 if possible)
3. See the Great Wall of China
4. Hanky-panky on top of the Wall
5. Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro
6. Hanky-panky on top of the mountain
:-D Where does the lav hanky-panky fall, numerically?
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
7. Visit St. Louis and hang out with the Gametime boys.
Let’s just be clear though Ang- no fraternizing with enemies!
Fear The Fin: Where The Second Round Is Overrated
#8
Get the “inside scoop” on Henry Miller’s Used Penis.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
hey now! I’m not THAT bad! okay maybe. but you guys have forgotten tons on that list!!
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Mar 2, 2009 9:48 PM PST up reply actions
- - Spike Torrey Mitchell’s drink, and coerce the man into performing lewd acts.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Hmmm... weird formating
That was supposed to say “101” – but now I know.
Testing…
101 – testing.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
oh please! men never need to be coerced into performing lewd acts … :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Mar 2, 2009 9:51 PM PST up reply actions
Why is it that there’s not a male version of “slut?”
Oh wait – the word I’m looking for is “stud.” :-D
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Cause men make the rules … don’t you know that?
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Mar 2, 2009 9:57 PM PST up reply actions
#9
Attend a Swedish hockey game
It takes a big man to cry and it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -Jamie Baker
Now that would have been the game to attend!!!
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Mar 2, 2009 9:57 PM PST up reply actions
Hahaha
Without going into too much detail, I will have to say that I found it awkward that the airline stewardess sat on a little stool directly between the two lavs on the plane, reading her People Magazine… wonder what she thought after my, er, visit. Darn poutine…
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
As someone who nearly revisisted her terrible plane breakfast
on what can best be described as a roller coaster flight to Japan, I can sympathize. I spent 20 minutes in the loo trying to puke AFTER we’d landed. Ugh.
resident cartoonist @couchtarts.blogspot.com
Awesome stuff dude.
I’m going to have to do that the next time the Sharks go out there.
It takes a big man to cry and it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -Jamie Baker
About as solid as it gets K. That ice bar picture is way too good to be true haha.
Fear The Fin: Where The Second Round Is Overrated
Agreed. Awesome stuff, wish I could have joined you.
Fear the Fin: Approved by ESPN and Logan Couture
by Matthew_Taylor on Mar 2, 2009 8:39 PM PST up reply actions
Next season, boys...
Sharks should be in Toronto, Atlanta, Carolina, Washington, both New Yorks – and that’s just for the East!
I’m saving money for a quarterfinal road trip – if the Sharks don’t sweep the first round! (I get back from Jerusalem on the 20th of April, and the series will begin April 15th or 16th – needless to say, the first two games will be at home).
Assuming (ahem) that the Sharks make it to the second round, rinse / wash / repeat. Ditto for each subsequent round. I’ll only pass on a road trip if – a) I’ve been there before, or b) I can’t score tickets (both hockey and airlines).
We should organize something makeshift if the Sharks face Dallas – I’m so there.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
I'd be game.
I want to follow the team through Canada if they get a Vancouver, Edmonton, and Calgary trip again next season.
It takes a big man to cry and it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -Jamie Baker
DUDE
I’m so with you on that – considering that I did Vancouver last month, I might have to pass (unless it’s during one of my week vacations, as opposed to a weekend). If Edmonton and /or Calgary are around a weekend, I’m there – I’ll need to scope out the schedule as soon as it’s announced in July / August.
I’ve actually been to twice as many Eastern teams as Western (and that’s counting San Jose) = 8 in the East (the entire Atlantic Division, Florida, Tampa, and Montreal), but just 4 in the West (besides SJ, there’s Phoenix, Anaheim, and Vancouver). Considering my goal is to hit all 30 before I turn 30, that leaves me with 18, 11 of which are in the West.
Help me complete my mission, Lurker!
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Gladly.
I’ve only been to games at the Tank so you’ve got quite a head start on me.
It takes a big man to cry and it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -Jamie Baker
You rule, Brandon
As for the “head start” – yes, but it only took me a year to get 11 other arenas in (of course, the 5 Atlantic teams were in a week thanks to the easy scheduling of last season). I’ve also been blessed with special occasions, like a week off in March to be able to do Phoenix and Anaheim while also visiting grandparents in Arizona. Then there was my birthday last month when the Sharks were in Vancouver, on a Saturday no less. Montreal – man oh man I wanted to go to Ottawa, because that one (along with Buffalo) will be the hardest to check off my list.
I suppose when I’m 29 and 10 months old, I’ll just get desparate and see the remaining arenas when the teams are playing another team besides San Jose – but until then, I’m trying to schedule the matchups with Team Teal.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Next season I'll be mostly free of grad school.
Then I’ll be able to take off during the season more. Getting off work isn’t usually a problem, I just have to give them enough notice. We still going to shoot for that home and home with the Ducks next month?
It takes a big man to cry and it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. -Jamie Baker
Funny
Plank and I were just talking on the phone about that. Tentatively, I’ll say yes – he says we can all crash at his house in Santa Barbara late Saturday (2am Sunday), and then head to Anaheim from there. Blocks of tickets are still available, too, he tells me.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Is there a party going on that I don’t know about?
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Mar 2, 2009 10:03 PM PST up reply actions
Shhhhh... nobody tell Angie!
J/k ma’am – we’re planning a road trip from SJ after the game vs. Anaheim on April 4th, down to SoCal that very night to catch the game @ the Pond on April 5th. Not sure how many TCY’s car will hold, but if you’re down and we have room, the more the merrier!
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Haha
That reminds me of what I saw today about Terminator Salvation. Suh-weeeeet.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
Ok, I’m seriously going to have to get some more details from you. I’m feeling a need to go to Montreal even more so now then ever before. I may go this summer. I’ve never been to Europe, and don’t have the money to go any time soon, and I hear Montreal and Quebec City are the closest to Europe in North America.
Besides, my second favorite NHL player of all time (now retired and working as a commentator in Montreal) told me if I’m ever in town he’ll buy me lunch. I’m holding him to it.
I highly recommend both Montreal and Quebec City – I went to the latter this past summer for a day, and had a blast. Easily the most European-feeling city in North America, way more than New Orleans (which feels Caribbean more than anything).
Montreal was like Paris, while Quebec City was like a French microcosm. Montreal is totally bilingual, while Quebec City speaks just French. All the road signs are just in French, funny enough, in the whole of the province (because of a law making French the only official language of the province).
If you want to see my photos of Quebec City, try here. Boston is first, so keep going to the next pages until you see it. Other parts of Eastern Canada (Nova Scotia, etc.) are there as well.
Egad – I’ve been to Canada seven times in my life – and 4 in the last year. Every province from B.C. to P.E.I., too… should’ve been born in Canada, except then I wouldn’t be a Sharks fan.
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
The Montreal Adventures of Sr. K,
on the other hand, were mostly spent sleeping off hangovers. Oh, and you got to see the sun.
Funny that I took almost the exact same picture of Olympic Stadium as you did. From the lookout spot with the small parking lot and a couple of coin-operated telescopes on the north side of the mountain, non?
To schtimpy: I recommend it, I absolutely loved the city. But be sure to brush up on your French reading skills.
I believe we were at the same spot on the mountain – I think it faced east, but everything else seems to fit your description.
Sucks you didn’t see the sun – what time of year were you there?
As for the hangovers – so long as you didn’t pass out on the frozen streets, that could be fun, too ;-)
Fear The Fin: Keeping you from your obligations since 2008
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