22 Reasons Dan Boyle Is Better Than You

by Mr. Plank on Jan 5, 2010 8:30 AM PST in Special Features Comment 52 comments

Keep your wives and daughters on lockdown gentlemen; Sir Boyle is on the prowl.

1) He went from an undrafted, unheralded, underappreciated defenseman out of Miami University, to a member of the 2010 Canadian Olympic team. You know, the team that will be playing in the biggest Games the country has ever taken part in.

2) Suck it.

3) His skating ability is proof that there is a higher being. Rumor has it that Boyle can skate on unfrozen water as well, although that has been uncomfirmed.

4) The reason why it's been uncomfirmed? Watching Boyle perform miracles opens a wormhole that sends the user to a parallel universe where trees are made of cotton candy and the Stanley Cup in San Jose isn't an epic myth. Can you imagine?

5) He's a fan of death metal who ran his own radio show entitled "Boyle's Blue Line" while in Tampa Bay. Seriously, the guy's a fan of death metal-- good shit. He even got his friends into it.

6) Instead of rubber duckies, Boyle bathes with the Lernaean Hydra.

7) Instead of the Lernaean Hydra, Boyle sometimes chooses to bathe with whatever the fuck he wants to bathe with. He's Dan Fucking Boyle.

8) Mom? Where the hell did you go, mom? Hello?!

9) During game one of the Stanley Cup Finals with Tampa Bay in 2004 an electrical fire torched his home, causing an estimated $300,000 in damages. Boyle went on to win the Stanley Cup six games later.

10) In following years, Boyle flipped the big middle finger to Thomas Edison and channeled his inner Cole MacGrath by powering his own home with the electricity found in his skates (saving some major coin in the process). Did we already allude to the fact that this guy's skating is electric? Yes? Okay then, just making sure we're on the same page.

11) Boyle has caused many a heterosexual male to question his commitment to the opposite sex, most notably following playoff games.

12) He's been in the top ten every year for defenseman scoring since the lockout, barring the season he was sidelined with a freak injury.

13) Although unreported at the time, the skate that fell on his right wrist disintegrated upon impact. It's ashes are the most valuable commodity on Earth, regularly trading on the open market for 6.66 trillion dollars per ounce.

14) In the time that you have read this article, he has likely solved world peace and bought some Pop-Tarts at the local grocery store.

15) This.

Not photoshopped.

Seriously though, Mike "The Situation" from Jersey Shore looks like a twelve year old in comparison.

15-22 rendered irrelevant following said picture. I'm going to pick up an orange mocha frappuccino now. And to all the lovely ladies who say that FTF is filled with too much testosterone, consider this your year long subscription paid in full.

Go Sharks.

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this

i wasn’t feeling too good because school starts today, but seeing this during my free 1st period made me laugh

MeThinksSports where the only semi-good thing is the poll...

by serrapadre716 on Jan 5, 2010 8:52 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

yeah … this will provide me much … entertainment … for many months (nights) to come … :)

I think I might just actually consider cheering up now.

Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality? (boycott Hollywood!)

by ang6666 on Jan 5, 2010 9:27 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

Dan Boyle is really really good looking.

"When I get up in the mourning I piss excellence."-Ricky Bobby

by 49er16 on Jan 5, 2010 9:55 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

6) Instead of rubber duckies, Boyle bathes with the Lernaean Hydra.

7) Instead of the Lernaean Hydra, Boyle sometimes chooses to bathe with whatever the fuck he wants to bathe with. He’s Dan Fucking Boyle.

I almost belly-laughed out loud in front of my third graders. Outstanding.

Ok, back to work!

Fear the Fin: "C'mon Drew, we're going streaking!" - Randy Hahn, 12/31/09

by Conico do Mayo Miracle on Jan 5, 2010 9:56 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

Some people can piss their name in the snow

Dan Boyle can piss his name in concrete.

They're not getting this kind of coverage at "Hockey Night In Canada" folks! - Randy Hahn

by ElvisVF101 on Jan 5, 2010 9:58 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

In the same great tradition...

There is no ‘Ctrl’ key on Dan Boyle’s computer. Dan Boyle is always in control (of the puck).

And you think you live in a non-traditional hockey market...

by BritShark on Jan 5, 2010 10:06 AM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Uh oh

Is Dan Boyle going to become Chuck Norris?

I think Plank should start the idea…. oh wait, he already did.

(Just looked down below and realized other people had this same notion)

Fear the Fin: "C'mon Drew, we're going streaking!" - Randy Hahn, 12/31/09

by Conico do Mayo Miracle on Jan 5, 2010 3:30 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

God, I love this guy...

In the short time I’ve been following hockey, it has been Dan Boyle who has done the most to make me fall in love with the sport.

Watching him skate up the ice with the puck seemingly stuck to the end of his stick as he slaloms through the opposing team is simply one of the most beautiful sights in all sport.

“His skating ability is proof that there is a higher being.” Amen to that.

And his attitude during the “unmentionable series of games endured last spring” was phenomenal, he really stood up to be counted when it seemed some guys in the locker room had let their heads drop.

For these reasons, I love the 22.

And you think you live in a non-traditional hockey market...

by BritShark on Jan 5, 2010 10:17 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

Also, Reasons 23 - 5,928

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6T9LqlsF8w

They're not getting this kind of coverage at "Hockey Night In Canada" folks! - Randy Hahn

by ElvisVF101 on Jan 5, 2010 10:20 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

Dan Boyle is my hero.

Seriously, I have a jersey with his name and number. He is so much fun too watch as well. Plus, Dan Boyle > Chuck Norris > Brian Campbell.

Proud member of the "Don't Trade Marleau" club.
Fear the Fin: Where Sharks Fans Aren't Like Other Sharks Fans.

by SharksFanEst.1994 on Jan 5, 2010 10:38 AM PST reply actions 0 recs

Expanded...

Dan Boyle >= Bruce Campbell > Chuck Norris > Brian Campbell.

Fear the Fin: Sharing Joe Thornton's love of wooly mammoths since 2009.

by That'll Cheech You on Jan 5, 2010 11:12 AM PST up reply actions 0 recs

whoa! wait … bruce campbell … he is pretty awesome tho

(scrolls up, drools)

okay … maybe a slight edge ahead there.

Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality? (boycott Hollywood!)

by ang6666 on Jan 5, 2010 11:41 AM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Hail to the King, baby.

I also have a Dan Boyle jersey and am very happy with it.

by Evilducks on Jan 5, 2010 11:50 AM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Honey, you got real ugly.

Fear the Fin: Sharing Joe Thornton's love of wooly mammoths since 2009.

by That'll Cheech You on Jan 5, 2010 11:54 AM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Yes, Bruce Campbell is the best Campbell, but I am not sure if he is greater than Chuck Norris, at least equal too.

Proud member of the "Don't Trade Marleau" club.
Fear the Fin: Where Sharks Fans Aren't Like Other Sharks Fans.

by SharksFanEst.1994 on Jan 5, 2010 4:52 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

that chest makes me forget about his crazy eyebrows…

by AfroPuff on Jan 5, 2010 12:17 PM PST reply actions 0 recs

oh, and he can play hockey real good too

by AfroPuff on Jan 5, 2010 12:17 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Dan Boyle on his time off saves little children and old ladies from burning buildings

Also saves puppies from Chris Pronger’s elbows of doom.

Also may actually be Jesus.
His real father is Bobby Orr.

I'm warning you! I have ADHD and I know how to use it!!!

by Diamondback15 on Jan 5, 2010 2:17 PM PST reply actions 0 recs

And Plank, where is our Canada-USA gameday thread??????????????????

?????????????????????

I'm warning you! I have ADHD and I know how to use it!!!

by Diamondback15 on Jan 5, 2010 2:18 PM PST reply actions 0 recs

Game starts at five no?

Fear The Fin: Where Selling Your Soul Is The Likely Solution

by Mr. Plank on Jan 5, 2010 3:02 PM PST via mobile up reply actions 0 recs

with all those question marks, maybe we need to make sure the dude has taken his meds … :)

Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality? (boycott Hollywood!)

by ang6666 on Jan 5, 2010 3:09 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

at that time, no........... But I am medicated now.

I'm warning you! I have ADHD and I know how to use it!!!

by Diamondback15 on Jan 5, 2010 3:50 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Bada bing bada boom.

Fear The Fin: Where Selling Your Soul Is The Likely Solution

by Mr. Plank on Jan 5, 2010 3:54 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

TSN says 4:30

But that might be pre-game coverage.

Fear the Fin: "C'mon Drew, we're going streaking!" - Randy Hahn, 12/31/09

by Conico do Mayo Miracle on Jan 5, 2010 3:32 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Yeah, I know, its just that yesterday I think you said it would be up in the morning.

My apologies if I misunderstood. I will also accept the possibility that you were still trying to get rid of that bad taste from last night.

I'm warning you! I have ADHD and I know how to use it!!!

by Diamondback15 on Jan 5, 2010 3:54 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Hi there, mojo killer!

by Nael M. on Jan 5, 2010 3:19 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Fear the Fin: Sharing Joe Thornton's love of wooly mammoths since 2009.

by That'll Cheech You on Jan 5, 2010 3:32 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

There is more evidence to support that the Palin Mask was the mojo killer.

The Dan Boyle pic I put up clearly inspired him, because he was one of the few people that didn’t suck last night. we were outscored by 4 goals, but he was only a -1 and had 4 shots and played a little over 26 minutes. The hockey gods were clearly sick of sick that abomination of a mask.

I'm warning you! I have ADHD and I know how to use it!!!

by Diamondback15 on Jan 5, 2010 3:59 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Dan Boyle. Serious Business.

After that collapse last night I needed a good laugh.
Good luck to USA Jrs.
Also, the latest from WTC: Vs.Blues, no Manny- yes Nabby

"Sorry guys, I’m not going to try and hit (Douglas) Murray anymore. It doesn’t work." - Steve Ott, Dallas Stars.

by SwisherThresher on Jan 5, 2010 4:00 PM PST reply actions 0 recs

I found this to be of note...

Jamie McGinn was sent down to Worcester, but don’t be surprised if he’s back before the game against St. Louis tomorrow night.

It’s almost like beating a dead horse at this point…but there’s only one off day between games this time…why in the world would you make one of your young, developing wingers spend it travelling across the country?

Ugh.

Sometimes the impossible can become possible if you're AWESOME!

by ZeroIndulgence on Jan 5, 2010 4:27 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

If someone has a little extra time on their hands

I would love for that someone to create a fanpost similar to this one at Athletics Nation: Distances to ‘AAA’ stadiums, distance + driving/flight time

"Sorry guys, I’m not going to try and hit (Douglas) Murray anymore. It doesn’t work." - Steve Ott, Dallas Stars.

by SwisherThresher on Jan 5, 2010 4:33 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Manny needs to get healed.

We need more Manny being Manny (and his defensive presence at the forward position). I feel Greiss should get the start tomorrow, but Nabby can easily bounce back (as he has proven this year).

Proud member of the "Don't Trade Marleau" club.
Fear the Fin: Where Sharks Fans Aren't Like Other Sharks Fans.

by SharksFanEst.1994 on Jan 5, 2010 4:55 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Not photoshopped.

Of course not. Dan Boyle doesn’t need photoshop, he is photoshop.

"When I get up in the mourning I piss excellence."-Ricky Bobby

by 49er16 on Jan 5, 2010 4:01 PM PST reply actions 0 recs

Does anyone else

ever stop to thing that if Brian Campbell was such a greedy little fucktard we might not have Dan Boyle. If that isn’t enough to convince you that God loves Doug Wilson then I just give up.

Fear the Fin....where being an old guy isn't all bad, and the 2nd round can be bad on the heart

by Dave Valentine on Jan 5, 2010 4:12 PM PST reply actions 0 recs

…wasn’t….

I know, I suck at this. I’m out practice

Fear the Fin....where being an old guy isn't all bad, and the 2nd round can be bad on the heart

by Dave Valentine on Jan 5, 2010 4:12 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Welcome to Fear the Fin!

May I ask how you found us?

Fear the Fin: Sharing Joe Thornton's love of wooly mammoths since 2009.

by That'll Cheech You on Jan 5, 2010 4:15 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

I’m out practice

out OF practice … yes you are … :)

Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality? (boycott Hollywood!)

by ang6666 on Jan 5, 2010 4:53 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Agreed.

I always think of that, and in fact I am happy he left. But still, he took the penalty that led to Dallas beating us in Game 6, as well as thinking pretty much only about his upcoming paycheck in the summer and not how to help the team win.

Proud member of the "Don't Trade Marleau" club.
Fear the Fin: Where Sharks Fans Aren't Like Other Sharks Fans.

by SharksFanEst.1994 on Jan 5, 2010 5:00 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Dave

I think you might be onto something with that God loving Doug Wilson thing. He seems to have blessed him with such beautiful, Tan skin.

It cant be spray on, it must just be naturally God given.

"iaT"S FUCKINGE LIEK CONICO DO MAYO!!!!!111"
Mr. K. 5/5/2009

by Morti on Jan 5, 2010 5:03 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

he also has really hot daughters

(DW does)

just sayin

by pavs4prez on Jan 5, 2010 9:30 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs

Oh, and another Boyle bonus

He can parler français, il est très sexy RARR

"Sorry guys, I’m not going to try and hit (Douglas) Murray anymore. It doesn’t work." - Steve Ott, Dallas Stars.

by SwisherThresher on Jan 5, 2010 4:47 PM PST reply actions 0 recs

He inspired me to take French seriously. No, really. Before I just took French to fulfill requirements to get into college, but after I saw his interview in french at the ASG, I decided to actually pay attention in class. Still can’t speak the language and I’m in my sixth or seventh year of learning, but I do have better grades.

So, really, Dan Boyle makes my grades better. Woooooo.

"I think I realized after the second or third punch, I should have taken his helmet off sooner." - Ryane Clowe
Proud member of the "Re-Sign Marleau" Club
Fools and Sages

by mymclife on Jan 5, 2010 10:59 PM PST up reply actions 0 recs