An Unofficial Eulogy for the Anaheim Ducks

Rudy from BoC got tapped by Puck Daddy to Eulogize the Ducks. And I thought to myself, that's awesome! This'll be full of snark and humor and crude jokes!

And then Rudy decided to get all serious and analyze the team and use facts and numbers and junk.

And I thought, man, that's boring.

So I decided to kill some time and write one of my own.

Dear friends, comrades and Ducks fans… well, actually, looking at the crowd, it looks like there’s not many here and you’re outnumbered at home, but I guess you’re used to that. We are gathered here today to pay tribute to the 2010-2011 season of the Anaheim Ducks of Anaheim. I’m sorry, is that not their name? My apologies. With this team constantly trying to re-invent itself, I lose track sometimes.

But I suppose the more things change, the more they stay the same. In solemn moments such as these, we must look back and remember these important lessons.

It is tempting, at times like these, to look back and see the only good. Like the 2007 Stanley Cup, a true moment of pride and triumph.



But, much like Scott Niedermayer, we must acknowledge that it is now gone, and is not coming back. We can try to deny the truth all we want, but it will only make the eventual realization all the more painful.

The five Ducks fans gathered here today will try to tell you that their team still has a shot. They will tell you that a top pairing of Lubomir Vishnovsky and Toni Lydman is as formidable as a top pairing of Scott Niedermayer and Chris Pronger. They’ll tell you they can make do without the checking line of Moen-Pahlsson-Niedermayer, and that their Top Line can run with anyone in the league. They’ll tell you that a team that is internally capped is totally fine and can totally be competitive with the elite in the league, because winning a Cup makes everything better.

Grief is a very serious matter, and can cloud judgement.

The road will be long and hard. But until then, all we can do is say our farewells.

Farewell Teemu Selanne and Saku Koivu. I must say, Teemu, watching you do what you do at your age is amazing. The passion you show whether you’re playing here in the NHL, or for your country at the Olympics, is truly inspiring. In retrospect, I’m okay that the Ducks won a Cup, because watching you with the Cup reminds us what it’s all about.



But whatever voodoo secrets you’re using to keep yourself young, you may want to reconsider. I think it’s having some adverse affects on your teammates.







Farewell RPG line. Well, farewell Bobby Ryan and Corey Perry. I think we said farewell to Ryan Getzlaf well before the playoffs this season. You were one of the most dominant forces in the offensive zone this season. Congratulations. Maybe next season you’ll learn that there’s two other zones, and you don’t just have to watch them from the penalty box.

Farewell Jason Blake. We’re glad you got to taste the post-season again, and that your mediocrity wasn’t just because you were playing in Toronto. It’s because you’re mediocre.

Farewell George Parros. You take with you one of the finest ‘staches in the league, as well as your 4 points and your 171 PIMs. We’re glad you were such a consistent contributor. Your team definitely needs you.

Farewell Cam Fowler. We’re sorry you tumbled so much on Draft Day. It means you’re stuck with this team for a while. Good luck trying to recover from that.

Farewell Lubomir Visnovsky. We’re sorry you didn’t get to be a Norris Finalist. But you, like the rest of your team have to learn. You have to kill penalties.

Farewell Brian Hayward and John Ahers.

I have nothing nice to say. Listening to the two of you is pure torture, and mercifully, the listening ears of millions, along with your team, have been put to rest.

Farewell Randy Carlysle. We'll forget about you soon enough. Unlike you who seem to remember every little thing.

Farewell… umm… who ARE the rest of these guys? Well, so long anyway. We’ll see some of you next season, I’m sure, even though most of you look like you should be in the AHL. I don’t know if your fans will see you though. They all seem to have left.

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