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Sharks vs. Ducks Preview: Trying to survive the cesspool

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There's an illness going around the NHL — and I'm not just talking about the Sharks' inability to win hockey games!

Eric Hartline-USA TODAY Sports

I'm going to the game today with Friend of the Blog and Social Media Darling Stace. There's a hot rumor going around that the Anaheim Ducks are spreading an infection throughout the National Hockey League — and no, we're not just talking about their infectiously poor jerseys, in-arena presentation or general existence. This is the kind of infection that created Subject 010 and Stace and I aren't about to walk into the pincers of the damned without proper protection.

Presumably those who have bought into the Orange County Doctrine are immune to the disease, which is why Perry and the rest of the Ducks are in the clear. So to start off, we're slathering our faces and any exposed skin in tanning oil to ward off any sort of facial infection that could occur through the air.

tanning oil

Okay, now that our skin is in the clear we need to take something that will protect our insides as well as our outsides. We're not messing around here at Fear The Fin! In order to achieve the same type of immunity as your Anaheim-Dwelling-Discover-Card-Wielding-Suburban-Driving "human" we'll be going to the finest generic restaurant we can find. That's right everyone, we're going to Chili's for some "fajitas" and french fries — and we'll be guzzling down a Corona or two to seal the deal.

Given the gum-flapping propensity of our orange county friends, the possibility of the disease fluttering about from jowl to jowl is exceptionally high. In order to combat this clear and present danger, we will be drawing words like "fair wages" and "equal rights" in sharpie on our face — nothing will drive away the white conservative masses like anything resembling a liberal agenda.

With these tactics in place, we should survive our trip to the How-Long-Has-That-Water-Been-Standing Pond — the Sharks will lose, though. Sorry. To survive watching the game at home, you could always play the tape from an old game, watch the Food Network or pretend that you're a Ducks' fan for a night!

San Jose Sharks

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ducks logo
4-4-1 9 points
7-1-0 14 points
4th in Pacific
1st in Pacific

5PM PST | Honda Center | Anaheim, California
TV: CSNCA-HD | Radio: SJSharks.com98.5 KFOX
Know Your Enemy: Anaheim Calling

Projected Sharks Lineup

Tomas Hertl - Joe Thornton - Matt Nieto
Patrick Marleau - Logan Couture - James Sheppard
Chris Tierney - Joe Pavelski - Tommy Wingels
Andrew Desjardins - Adam Burish - Tyler Kennedy

Marc-Edouard Vlasic - Justin Braun
Matt Irwin - Brent Burns
Scott Hannan - Jason Demers

Antti Niemi
Alex Stalock

Projected Ducks Lineup

Devante Smith-Pelly - Ryan Getzlaf - Corey Perry
Andrew Cogliano - Ryan Kesler - Jakob Silfverberg
Matt Beleskey - WIlliam Karlsson - RIckard Rakell
Emerson Etem - Nate Thompson - Tim Jackman

Cam Fowler - Ben Lovejoy
Francois Beauchemin - Hampus Lindholm
Clayton Stoner - Sami Vatanen

Frederik Andersen
John Gibson