clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

San Jose Sharks as actual sharks

New, comments

The offseason is boring. Sharks are not boring.

Sergei Belski-USA TODAY Sports

Cheering for a team named after giant, prehistoric monsters (who are misunderstood by humans and oh my god have I mentioned how much I hate Jaws because I do) is largely pretty awesome. Only the Toronto Raptors have the Sharks beat in terms of being named after badass animals and they don't play hockey. Advantage: Sharks.

One thing you'll notice after watching hockey for a while is that the players are a little...sharklike. They're sometimes quick, aggressive and nimble and other times slow, methodical and deadly. Also have you ever seen Roberto Luongo's face? Total shark face.

Here are five Sharks (plus one bonus shark) as actual sharks. Your nominations are welcome in the comments for players across the NHL.

Editor's note: It came to my attention in the comments that there had been fan posts written recently on the same subject. Here is the link to the comment in question which will lead you to the three articles.

Joe Thornton - Tiger Shark

Joe Thornton Shark

Tiger shark photo by Albert kok (Creative Commons)

Tiger sharks are giant, hulking monsters that don't get their due credit for being the most dangerous of all sharks to humans. Thornton shares some of these qualities, and not just because I can imagine him slicing off pieces of my flesh with his razor sharp teeth while I snorkel off the coast of Australia. Thornton is (at times) an underrated Shark and now he's an underrated shark, too!

Patrick Marleau - Mako Shark

Patrick Marleau Shark

Mako shark photo

Makos are wicked fast, swimming up to 60 mph in pursuit of their prey. Seeing as Marleau is still one of the fastest San Jose skaters (step it up, kids, this dude is about 500 years old now), it makes sense to put him in this role. Also, there's a 100 percent chance Marleau owns one of those Mako Surf Shop tank tops.

Joe Pavelski - Great White

Joe Pavelski Shark

Great white shark photo by Terry Goss. (Creative Commons)

Thanks to that one movie that we as lovers of sharks totally hate, the Great White has become the most popular shark in the world. Pavelski has benefited from being not-Joe-Thornton-and-not-Patrick-Marleau en route to becoming the Obvious Fave in San Jose. It's not that he's a bad choice (he's my favorite Shark!) but he's also the obvious one. Be more original, nerd.

Logan Couture - Hammerhead

Logan Couture Shark

Hammerhead shark photo by Barry Peters (Creative Commons)

Imagine, if you will, you’re sitting in a TGI Fridays because, shit, there’s nowhere better to go on a Tuesday night and the apps are delicious. Anyway, you’re minding your own business, obviously, but this freaking hammerhead shark keeps bumping into you with his bulbous head and then acting like it was some kind of smooth pick-up move.

It’s Logan Couture.

Brent Burns - Bull Shark

Brent Burns Shark

Bull shark by Pterantula. (Creative Commons)

Let's look at an excerpt from the Bull shark Wikipedia page: "The name ‘Bull shark' comes from the shark's stocky shape, broad, flat snout, and aggressive, unpredictable behavior."
Tell me this wasn't just lifted from Burns' Wikipedia page and placed onto the Bull shark page. Oh, just a coincidence?

Anyway, Bull sharks weigh (on average) 290 pounds, which puts them just a few pounds lighter than Burns after a large lunch.

BONUS SHARK

Tyler Kennedy - Japanese Sawshark

Tyler Kennedy Shark

Japanese Sawshark by OpenCago.info. (Creative Commons)

Look into your heart. You knew this was coming. Kennedy was underappreciated while with the Sharks because his hands might have actually been made of stone (or they were flippers???) But the lasting image of Kennedy for me will always be that his face is beautiful in the most unusual and unconventional way. The Sawshark is one strange looking animal and is probably underappreciated because of its weirdness. A perfect marriage.

UPDATE

We have a brand new Shark as a shark entry from Twitter user @acciohockey. Enjoy.