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Which Sharks player is each member of One Direction? Find out here!

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Kailen ‏@KojoMP 10m10 minutes ago: 12:24AM on wednesday night... get your fresh "which sharks is each 1d member" takes while they're hot

Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

Hey gang, it's me!

Who's me? Yeah, that's a good question. Once upon a time I wrote stuff about prospects like twice. I have since had many ideas for stuff to write for this blog but have never actually followed through. This time is different, because instead of the Sharks, I get to talk about my one true real love: One Direction!

If you are unfamiliar with One Direction, which you shouldn't be, they are a British-Irish pop boy band comprised of five four members. They are all under 6'0" and yet one of them dated Taylor Swift. I was just as confused as any of you.

Anyway, to the point! Which Sharks player is representative of each member of One Direction?

1. Harry Styles is Logan Couture.

Harry Styles is a very good singer and is as good as anyone in the band. However, he is treated as though he is significantly better than the rest, whether it be in questions from the media or the total time he gets to sing each song compared to the others. He is the designated "leader" even though the only reason that happened is because back when he was younger and less jaded he was personable and outgoing and immature.

Like Harry, Logan is one of many talented players on the Sharks. But he is not distinguishable from the other best players in terms of talent or overall effect on the team. When things go right, Logan gets credit. When things go wrong, Logan isn't called out for it. Even he seems to be tired of this fact. And like Harry, Logan is pushed by his coach ("management") to be the go-to guy when he is really just one in a small group of peers who is very good.

2. Niall Horan is Tommy Wingels.

Niall is, in a word... Bland. He is a decent singer. But like... Nothing is remotely special or exciting about him. The most notable thing about him is that he is the "Irish" part of the "British-Irish" band. This is remarkably like our Tom E. Wingels. Wingels is a solid player. He does a lot of things right and doesn't have any real weaknesses. He seems to be a pretty decent guy. His interviews are so boring I want to cry. Yes, Niall is Tommy Wingels; a good member that anyone would take if offered, but without whom, the band would march on.

3. Louis Tomlinson is the late James Sheppard.

I had trouble with this comparison since James Sheppard is no longer a Shark and Louis Tomlinson is (regrettably) still a member of One Direction. However, the comparison is just too apt in other ways. Louis is pretty, and has his niche where he fits well and can do his job decently, but other than that is pretty useless, and any attempt to force him into a role that requires more than he is able to do ends in yuck.

This is reminiscent of the time when former San Jose Sharks' Head Coach Todd McLellan was absolutely convinced that James Sheppard was a real NHL-caliber #3C and refused to do anything about it despite clear evidence continually generated right in front of his face... Okay that got away from me. I love Louis. But he isn't a great singer. Just like I love James Sheppard, while acknowledging that he did not belong on an NHL third line. Like how James Sheppard is a borderline NHL-worthy player, Louis Tomlinson is a borderline popular boy band-worthy singer.

4. Liam Payne is Patrick Marleau.

Full disclosure: Liam is my favorite. He is a wonderful singer and a talented and creative musician all-around. And yet he is many people's least favorite member of One Direction. I couldn't tell you why, but the reasons I've seen seem to be things that are completely out of his control. I can't even think of one. They're ridiculous. Liam should be everyone's favorite.

Anyway, I digress. The reasons Liam is my fave are remarkably similar to the reasons why Patrick Marleau is my fave. Patty is immensely talented, and yet seems to always be maligned for some reason or other, even though he is no more or less deserving of blame than any other team member. He gets called out for things that people wouldn't dream of calling out a player like, say, Logan Couture, simply because... there's precedent. Because that's the thing to do. I honestly think that has to be it.

Patrick Marleau is very much Logan Couture's equal, and yet the vast majority of Sharks and/or hockey fans cannot be convinced of this fact no matter how many logical arguments you lay out in front of them. This happens to the point where true Patrick Marleau fans start wondering what he could do if only he were out from under the Sharks umbrella of habit. Liam is inexplicably loyal to 1D fans despite how poorly a number of them treat him, as Patrick Marleau must be for not demanding a trade out of here years ago. And similar to how Patrick Marleau is superstar Evgeni Malkin's top choice for most underrated player in the league, other musicians in the industry recognize Liam for the talent he is, even if the fans and media won't.

BONUS!

5. Zayn Malik is Evgeni Nabokov/Jonathan Cheechoo/Devin Setoguchi/whoever the hell Sharks fans are constantly whining about wanting back even though it's clearly never gonna happen.

Very talented, vital to the team while in their prime, and the favorites of many a Sharks fan, but the team and the player parted ways when it was the "right" time. Could have been messier, but it was handled decently by all parties involved and they're still on good terms. Get over it. They're never coming back.