With the 2016 NHL Awards coming up in a couple days, we’re taking a look at appropriate superlatives for each member of the 2016 San Jose Sharks. Here are the rules: the player must have played at least 10 games for the Sharks during the regular season. That’s actually the only rule. Let’s get to it.
Most likely to make a play that makes you swear in both anger and excitement in a span of five seconds.
Has the best hands.
Most likely to eat an entire pizza on the bench.
Least likely to convince me he’s not filled with inner turmoil.
Most likely to keep a life-size Minion stuffed toy in his locker.
Top pairing defender least likely to be recognized literally anywhere. Even at his own house. Sorry Brauny.
Hosts the best parties. Most likely to tell Logan Couture to shut up.
Most likely to be stopped at SAP Center security because they don’t believe he’s on the team. Sorry, Chris.
Best player most likely to go unnoticed for games at a time. (It’s a compliment)
Best shootout taker on the Sharks.
Most likely to be criticized when it’s not his fault.
Most likely to be ID’d for an R-rated movie. I feel your pain, Tommy.
Best dogfather in the NHL. Screw you, David Backes.
Most likely to make you a fire mixtape. (For Conrad: A mixtape is something people used to make in the 90s on a thing called a cassette tape. Look it up.)
Most likely to have a terrible, pun-based nickname.
Literally a savior sent to us by God in Heaven.
Most likely to be unfairly teased by this mediocre-as-shit website.
Shark with the best nickname (Dino).
Best supporting defender in a fill-in role.
Most likely to be complained about in the Fear the Fin comments (regular season).
The second-most famous Bay Area athlete from Pleasanton.
Most likely to be complained about in the Fear the Fin comments (postseason).
Most likely to trick Pete DeBoer into getting tons of playing time late in postseason games.
Best Sharks face-puncher (non-mustached division).
On the Sharks Best Names Mt. Rushmore (you can guess the other ones).
Voted most likely to supplant Antti Niemi and become the Sharks starting goaltender.
Most likely to be ready for the NHL “next year.” We say this every year. Forever.