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2016 San Jose Sharks Superlatives: Brent Burns most likely to eat a pizza on the bench

Courtesy of the San Jose Sharks

With the 2016 NHL Awards coming up in a couple days, we’re taking a look at appropriate superlatives for each member of the 2016 San Jose Sharks. Here are the rules: the player must have played at least 10 games for the Sharks during the regular season. That’s actually the only rule. Let’s get to it.

Joe Thornton

Most likely to make a play that makes you swear in both anger and excitement in a span of five seconds.

Joe Pavelski

Has the best hands.

Brent Burns

Most likely to eat an entire pizza on the bench.

Patrick Marleau

Least likely to convince me he’s not filled with inner turmoil.

Tomas Hertl

Most likely to keep a life-size Minion stuffed toy in his locker.

Justin Braun

Top pairing defender least likely to be recognized literally anywhere. Even at his own house. Sorry Brauny.

Joel Ward

Hosts the best parties. Most likely to tell Logan Couture to shut up.

Chris Tierney

Most likely to be stopped at SAP Center security because they don’t believe he’s on the team. Sorry, Chris.

Paul Martin

Best player most likely to go unnoticed for games at a time. (It’s a compliment)

Joonas Donskoi

Best shootout taker on the Sharks.

Brenden Dillon

Most likely to be criticized when it’s not his fault.

Tommy Wingels

Most likely to be ID’d for an R-rated movie. I feel your pain, Tommy.

Marc-Edouard Vlasic

Best dogfather in the NHL. Screw you, David Backes.

Matt Nieto

Most likely to make you a fire mixtape. (For Conrad: A mixtape is something people used to make in the 90s on a thing called a cassette tape. Look it up.)

Melker Karlsson

Most likely to have a terrible, pun-based nickname.

Martin Jones

Literally a savior sent to us by God in Heaven.

Logan Couture

Most likely to be unfairly teased by this mediocre-as-shit website.

Dainius Zubrus

Shark with the best nickname (Dino).

Dylan DeMelo

Best supporting defender in a fill-in role.

Mike Brown

Most likely to be complained about in the Fear the Fin comments (regular season).

Matt Tennyson

The second-most famous Bay Area athlete from Pleasanton.

Roman Polak

Most likely to be complained about in the Fear the Fin comments (postseason).

Nick Spaling

Most likely to trick Pete DeBoer into getting tons of playing time late in postseason games.

Micheal Haley

Best Sharks face-puncher (non-mustached division).

Barclay Goodrow

On the Sharks Best Names Mt. Rushmore (you can guess the other ones).

Alex Stalock

Voted most likely to supplant Antti Niemi and become the Sharks starting goaltender.

Mirco Mueller

Most likely to be ready for the NHL “next year.” We say this every year. Forever.