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The Daily Chum: The San Jose Sharks take the Rio Olympics

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I’m sorry.

2016 NHL Stanley Cup Final - Game One Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

We already know the Sharks are great pretty good at ice hockey, but how would the San Jose team fare in Rio for the 2016 Summer Olympics? That’s a question we can’t leave unanswered any longer. Besides, with Gary Bettman’s war against Olympic Hockey ongoing, the summer games might be the Sharks’ only chance at winning an Olympic medal!

Our crack staff has chosen a summer sport for every Shark on the active roster as of 1:41 p.m. on Monday in the Year of Our Lord Thornton 2016. Let’s do this. Oh, and to make this harder we’re not allowed to use the same sport twice. Wish us luck.

Tomas Hertl

Synchronized swimming, obviously. Is this even a question?

Logan Couture

Has to be water polo. It’s basically pool hockey and then he gets to hang out with his shirt off for a long time. He’s into it.

Mikkel Boedker

My international stereotypes tell me that Denmark is very good at rowing, so that’s what Boedker is going to do. Go take down those Winklevosses.

Joonas Donskoi

Dressage, because I just assume he learned how to ride a horse before he learned how to walk. Look at him.

Barclay Goodrow

I’m going with fencing because if you had told me Barclay Goodrow was the name of one of the three musketeers I would have believed you.

Melker Karlsson

Not only does he look like a sailor, Karlsson is from a country that is quite good at Olympic sailing, historically.

Nikolay Goldobin

He’s pretty good at ice hockey, so maybe he’s also good at field hockey? Maybe?

Joe Pavelski

If starting his own golf tournament wasn’t enough, just look at how dadly he looks in this golf outfit.

Micheal Haley

I don’t know if Haley has ever played rugby before, but I think he would be good at it.

Patrick Marleau

Patty possesses great eyesight and is an excellent shooter, making him an easy choice for the Canadian archery team.

Chris Tierney and Tommy Wingels

The two Canadians will team up to form an incredible Table Tennis duo. I believe this in my heart.

Joe Thornton

Thornton looks a lot like an old-timey boxer, so that’s where he’s going. Also we can watch this again and again.

Justin Braun and Matt Nieto

Beach volleyball. Nieto has been playing his entire life (he’s from Long Beach, you know) and Braun really likes how he looks with a backwards hat on.

Paul Martin

Marathon swimming because in Minnesota you actually need to take a swimming test before establishing residency.

Brent Burns

I don’t know if Burns actually lifts weights or if the six boxes of pizzas he eats after every game is sufficient, but I’m signing him up for weightlifting anyway.

Brenden Dillon

He’s universally criticized for playing a position most people don’t remotely understand. Gymnast it is!

Mirco Mueller

Based on how frequently he goes up and down between the Barracuda and Sharks, I’m gonna have to go with trampoline. Sorry Mueller.

David Schlemko

We don’t know a lot about Schlemko and I don’t know a lot about kitesurfing, so congratulations!

Marc-Edouard Vlasic

Vlasic looks like he bikes for “fun,” so he can do Road Biking.

Aaron Dell and Martin Jones

The two goalies will form a kick ass doubles tennis team.

That’s it. Show’s over. Who’s ready for the 2020 games in Tokyo?