A new preseason is underway, and we’ve entered a time of hope for all 32 teams. Fans imagine how seeing their team win it all, and players holding Lord Stanley’s glorious trophy overhead, might feel next June.
It’s a glorious feeling — so I’ve been told — but most fans won’t feel that. With 50 percent of the league guaranteed to miss out on the postseason, odds are likely that they will be heartbroken at some point. In fact, their team might even suck this year and here’s one reason why your favorite team is definitely going to suck this year, no matter who you root for.
Anaheim Ducks: Not only is this the team that drafted Corey Perry, but it’s one that is still paying him $2 million! They sent a scourge into the NHL that has caused chaos every time he has left a team since being bought out in 2019. THE CURSE OF COREY PERRY!
Arizona Coyotes: Yeah, this team sure did suck last season. They just plain sucked. I’ve seen teams suck before, but the 2021-22 Coyotes were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. I’ve got to move on to the next team, my damn wiener kids are listening.
Boston Bruins: Nothing like getting the gang back together, Ocean’s 11 style. I’m sure having a forward group with an average age of 30 years old is going to work wonders. They’ve petitioned to move all home games to 4 p.m. local time in order to beat the traffic.
Buffalo Sabres: The Sabres have a young and fun team, but Craig Anderson playing a meaningful role is definitely, maybe, totally not going to be an issue for them.
Calgary Flames: Swapping out Matthew Tkachuk and Johnny Gaudreau for Jonathan Huberdeau and Nazem Kadri might be OK on paper, but sometimes you don’t know what you had until it’s gone.
Carolina Hurricanes: The analytics darlings traded for a 37-year-old defenseman and have Max Pacioretty on injured reserve with an Achilles injury. A 33-year-old player will bounce right back from that type of injury, right? Right?
Chicago Blackhawks: Karma.
Colorado Avalanche: After winning the cup, Nathan MacKinnon finally let his hair down and ate some pasta. His body has been in shock ever since.
Columbus Blue Jackets: Johnny Hockey wanted to be closer to home without actually being home. Columbus, the home that’s just far enough away from your family, but unfortunately still in Ohio.
Dallas Stars: Pete DeBoer is the head coach. Also, Corey Perry was on this roster and they must pay for their sins.
Detroit Red Wings: I think that the Red Wings have a shot to surprise some people this year, but Tyler Bertuzzi might have other plans.
Edmonton Oilers: The team improved their goaltending situation and dodged a bullet with Duncan Keith’s retirement, but the roster is still pretty much just Connor McDavid, Leon Draisaitl and a bunch of jabronis running around.
Florida Panthers: Last year felt like the year for the Panthers and a reckoning might come due for a team with no first-round picks until Erik Karlsson’s contract expires or the sun explodes.
Los Angeles Kings:
To clarify, that’s 10 years after next year — so 11 years in total of our goaltender being better than yours.
— LA Kings (@LAKings) June 28, 2012
When you are counting on this guy 10 years after this tweet was sent.
Minnesota Wild: If you thought pinning your hopes on a 36-year-old Jonathan Quick was bad, have you met Marc-André Fleury?
Montreal Canadiens: No Carey Price? No chance. Also paying for the “Corey Perry was once on our team” crime.
Nashville Predators: This will be the year that Matt Duchene quits mid-game to fully realize his dream of becoming a country singer.
New Jersey Devils: The rebuild has to end at some point, right? (Checks the goaltending depth chart) Not this year!
New York Islanders: If it seems reasonable that Mathew Barzal can score 82 goals to win every game 1-0, the you have nothing to worry about.
New York Rangers: Igor Shesterkin can totally repeat his Vezina Performance. That .935 save percentage is easily repeatable.
Ottawa Senators: Trading for Alex DeBrincat, signing Claude Giroux and paying Josh Norris is one way to out-score all of your problems.
Philadelphia Flyers: When your social team is turning off replies, you know it’s going to be a rough year.
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Pittsburgh Penguins: Does paying aging defenseman on long-term deals historically work out well? Asking for a friend.
San Jose Sharks: (Just looks at CapFriendly and cracks open a beer.)
Seattle Kraken: (Sees old friend, never-tardy-to-the-party Marty Jones is on the depth chart.)
St. Louis Blues: Jordan Binnington is put on LTIR for diaper rash.
Tampa Bay Lightning: If there’s one thing we know, it’s that the Corey Perry tax comes for everyone eventually.
Toronto Maple Leafs: The Leafs only exist at this point as an annual reminder that making the playoffs can be so utterly meaningless.
Vancouver Canucks: If you thought the Sharks’ right side of the defense was bad, enjoy watching Luke Schenn, Tyler Myers and Tucker Poolman!
Vegas Golden Knights: Adin Hill will be making meaningful starts for this team.
Washington Capitals: Other than watching people constantly forget to never leave Alexander Ovechkin alone on the power play, what is there to look forward to on this team?
Winnipeg Jets: Whenever you can try to piece together the 2015 Sharks defense in 2022, you simply have to do it.
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