Here Comes Sharkie Claus

via sharkspage.com

First off, FTF would like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Kickin’ Kwanzaa/Festive Festivus. It’s been a privilege getting to know ya’ll over the last few months; we hope to continue to provide you with all the Sharks talk you can handle for many holidays to come.

We know how awkward the holidays can be. Therefore, we put some work into an article that will give you an excuse to escape from that creepy aunt who gives you hand knit mittens or the hippy cousin who burns you reggae CD’s. So throw those bad ties in the closet, steal some crescent rolls from the oven, and set up shop in front of your computer. It’s FTF time baby.

This year, FTF decided to dish out some Christmas gifts. No, not to you… to some of the Sharks players. Don’t worry, the gifts are fake (we’re po, yo). Some are funny, some are sentimental, and some are unnecessarily harsh. If you’d like to give some gifts too, throw them in the comments section, and we’ll be sure to fake-mail the fake-presents to the Sharks. So make the jump for our very first FTF Christmas List.

• Joe Thornton: A backpack: A nice big backpack will help him to more evenly distribute the weight of the team he’s been carrying on his shoulders.
  Patrick Marleau: The first (only) season of “The Comeback” on DVD: The show sucked, but Patty’s play has not. Let’s hope Patty’s comeback isn’t cancelled any time soon.
  Devin Setoguchi: An All Star Nod: The kid deserves it… maybe Santa can work some magic with the vote totals?
  Joe Pavelski: 2 DVD’s: The Kid, and Man on Fire. Pretty self explanatory.
• Jonathan Cheechoo: An extra gear: His lack of speed is really killing his game this year, so we got him that extra boost he’s been missing.
  Ryan Clowe: A bigger helmet: I mean, come on. The thing barely fits on his head.
  Douglas Murray: A Point: C’mon Santa, give the guy a break; he’s got to be having trouble sleeping by now. He’s on one of the most successful offensive teams in NHL history, and his ESPN.com line still reads “0G, 0A, 0P”. They give him one, just to take it away… just give the guy a flippin point! Even BoC is bashing the guy now… poor guy.
  Marc-Edouard Vlasic: A blue sailing hat: It was too easy.
  Dan Boyle: Nothing: He is definitely deserving of a gift, but we’re thinking he’d rather hold out for a bigger present later in the year.
  Mike Grier: A Jackhammer: FTF decided to get him the industrial model; it’s going to take a massive amount of power to crack those hands of stone. (We swear this will be the last time we bring up that empty net miss, we love Grier)
  Christian Erhoff: A leash: Christian, we know you can handle the puck. Sometimes, though, we’d prefer that you stayed more towards the blue line. A quick tug on the leash should keep him out of the neighbor’s yard, too.
  Jody Shelley: Brass Knuckles: Give um hell, kid.
  Tom Cavanagh, Jamie McGinn, and Brad Staubitz: Ice Time: FTF has really been impressed by the play of these new guys. Here’s hoping they get some more play with the big club.
  Lukas Kaspar: Some bling, and a CD: Although he doesn’t really deserve the two gifts, we just couldn’t decide which one to give. So we got him a nice chain to go with his legit new nickname, Ka$par. And since it would be nice if he actually lived up to his big money billing, we got him a CD which should teach him what hard work really means.
  Torrey Mitchell: A new leg: We can rebuild him, we have the technology. He will be better, stronger, faster… Please come back soon kid, we miss you.
  Jeremy Roenick: A time machine: We got it for him, but apparently he already has one. Until his injury, JR was playing like a youngun again.
• Marcel Goc: A Best Buy Gift Card: We could think of some things to get him, but he just seems like the kind of person who would prefer to receive gift cards.
• Group Gift: Uhh… let’s not jinx it. Keep working guys, and hopefully the city of San Jose can collectively celebrate a late Christmas in June./

Because it wouldn’t be any fun to dish out all the gifts ourselves, we left some of the gift giving up to you. Players like Nabokov, Lukowich, and Michalek all need some Christmas Lovin’. So wrap up your suggestions in the comments (no newspaper please, that’s just tacky). I’m assuming you’d give that lovin’ in gift form, or else you might get saddled with a restraining order. To each their own during the holidays.

So, from Mr. Plank, Mr. K, and me, have a very happy holiday season.

And, as always… Go Sharks!