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Our attempts at writing the worst Sharks column imaginable.

#HotSharksTakes: Housing, not hockey, make Sharks free agent signings impossible

Let’s make a mountain out of a molehill.

#HotSharksTakes: [Insert Free Agent Here] will save the San Jose Sharks

We got extra hacky in this one.

#HotSharksTakes: Millennials are killing the San Jose Sharks

We take a thinkpiece trend to the logical extreme.

#HotSharksTakes: Pittsburgh has the ingredient missing in San Jose

Please do not take this seriously.

#HotSharksTakes: Machinations, not misfortune at heart of Sharks, Penguins injury woes

If the image didn’t give it away, you shouldn’t take this satirical column seriously.