News is slower than...

  • Alexei Semenov after being hit in the jugular with a horse tranquilizer.
  • The time it takes you to count each of Patrick Marleau's eyebrows.
  • A Ray Ratto lunch at Korea BBQ All You Can Eat Buffet.
  • Adam Foote.
  • Teemu Selanne's offseason decisions.
  • The line behind Doug Wilson at Ultimate Tanning Salon.
  • One full episode of Gray's Anatomy.
  • The time it takes Don Cherry to apologize for an offhand remark about Europeans.
  • Completing Mass Effect 2 on Insanity.
  • Just about anything outside of intercourse./

I need me some freaking hockey. Holy jumpin'.