Solving The San Jose Sharks Goal-Scoring Problem

Hey, have you noticed that the San Jose Sharks can't score goals anymore? Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I'm not talking about some real outside-the-box thinking here...

If you're like me, Tuesday night's win over the St. Louis Blues included a lot of teeth-grinding and clenched fists, along with one gigantic exhale at the final buzzer. Sure, the San Jose Sharks LOOKED a lot better but we've seen plenty of near misses and pretty plays turn into absolutely nothing over the past little while.

It's like the universe decided to karmically balance out the Sharks' hot start with an absurd goal-scoring drought -- rather than everything going in the net at will, nearly every attempt to score failed. And while I'd like to take a bunch of positives heading into the United Center on Friday, I think it's time the Sharks focused on manufacturing more goals.

No, not scoring more goals using things like a high-slot deflection or a down-low cycle. I mean actually manufacturing goals through science, pseudoscience, or whatever the hell you believe in. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think several players inherently have it in them to get this done. Let's take a closer look.

Method 1: The Light Side Of The Force
You know what the Light Side is all about? Moving stuff, be it rocks, doors, or swamp-stuck X-Wing fighters. Oh, it's also good at convincing stupid people to do stupid things. Thus, when the Light Side is used in hockey, a Jedi mind trick might convince the ref to be a little more liberal in calling penalties in a certain way -- and a subtle nudge of the Force might push a glove or pad just a few inches here or there.

Shark Jedi Knight: Marc-Edouard Vlasic, because the Jedi use the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

Method 2: The Dark Side Of The Force
Anger, rage, selfishness,, if you had Dark Side powers, you could really fuck up the opposing defense (and you might choke out Natalie Portman, which is bad, but then you could cheat death, which is good). Shooting lightning and hurling stuff with your mind, those types of things are easy ways to beat the goalie. Just remember to cackle for good measure.

Sharks Sith Lord: Joe Thornton, because you know deep beneath that jovial smile and selfless passing lies the heart of someone who's a raging ball of hate.

Method 3: Mutation
I'd explain what mutation is but Patrick Stewart does it much better than me.

Ok, so how can mutation help the Sharks score? Well, considering the fact that it can do anything from teleportation to super strength to shooting freakin' lasers out of your eyes. Now, we may not know what we'd get should we stick a player in an irradiated chamber but chances are Todd McLellan could figure out a way to use it on the power play.

Sharks Mutant: Douglas Murray, since he looks like a cross between Juggernaut and a Super Mutant from Fallout.

Method 4: Nanomachines
If Metal Gear Solid has taught me anything, it's that nanomachines can do just about anything this side of cyborg ninjitsu (shameless plug: read my review of Metal Gear Rising). Just imagine the possibilities if nanomachines and cybernetic implants were secretly used to aid the Sharks. From automated shot targeting to pre-calculated deflection angles, I think we've got a winner here. And damn it, this is Silicon Valley, so SOMEONE must be able to do this.

Sharks Cyborg: Brent Burns, since he already has robotic sex pants.

Method 5: Sonic Screwdriver
For the uninitiated, the sonic screwdriver from Doctor Who is essentially a device that can use sound waves to manipulate matter, allowing it pick locks, break glass, and generally solve shit. It may sound ridiculous, but guess what, folks -- some crazyass scientists have made it happen. A sonic screwdriver in the hands of a hockey player could provide all sorts of awesome benefits, from causing the goalie stick to break to slightly altering the flight path of the puck.

Sharks Time Lord: Brad Stuart, who started here, disappeared elsewhere, and regenerated as a Shark following the lockout.

Method 6: Wishing Well
Plain ol' wishful thinking. Anyone got a coin for tomorrow night against Chicago?

Wishful-Thinking Shark: Patrick Marleau. Come on, you know he gets excited every time he passes one in the mall. Start tossing those pennies and nickles into the water, there's a Blackhawks points streak that needs stopping!