VANCOUVER — The San Jose Sharks’ losing skid confounded a University of British Columbia (UBC) Hospital witch doctor, and the team now seeks a second opinion from a mystical professional.
“I’ve been in this field for 50 years, and I have no otherworldly idea where to begin,” Dr. Corsi Betterstats said in an interview. “The kind of witchcraft we’re seeing here is beyond the pale. I mean, how does a team blow a nine-point lead in the division in fewer than two weeks?”
The Sharks decided to seek out Dr. Betterstats’ opinion at the behest of defenseman Brent Burns early Saturday morning, hours after the team’s 5-2 loss to the Calgary Flames on Friday night. But with the experienced witch doctor unable to make a diagnosis, the organization has decided to seek a second opinion elsewhere, San Jose Sharks general manager Doug Wilson said in a statement.
“After speaking with Dr. Betterstats on the UBC campus, we’ve decided to look in a different direction in order to determine what is wrong with our team,” Wilson said. “We would like to thank Dr. Betterstats for her service to the organization, and we wish her the best going forward.”
Wilson did not comment on whose opinion they will seek. But Wilson has reached out to a variety of other practitioners when the Sharks have struggled in the past, and likely will kick the tires again, a source familiar with mystical diagnosis said.
“He’ll call you constantly,” the source said. “If his team loses seven games in a row, he’ll call you after the third loss. You see the phone, it’s a 408 number, and you’re like, ‘Oh s—- it’s Doug.”
The Sharks have now lost eight of their last nine games, and the skid has come as a surprise after the events of last season, according to sources within the organization. But, sources around the league are not as surprised, given what the Sharks gave up to advance to the Stanley Cup Final last season.
“Everyone knows that the devil personally worked them over last year,” an Eastern Conference general manager said. “They made a deal with the devil, and now they’re paying the price.”
A reporter expressed disbelief at this observation, and asked the general manager how that was possible.
“Seriously, how else could they have beaten a team they blew a 3-0 series lead against just two years prior,” the general manager asked rhetorically.
The Sharks denied that this was the cause of their skid, and will continue to consult other mystic sources. The team denied reports they reached out to New York sorcerer supreme Dr. Stephen Strange for a second opinion.
When contacted at the Sanctum Sanctorum, Dr. Strange declined comment and directed all further questions to the Avengers’ press office.
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