The Prongernator, Part 1 of 3
Preface: I saw Terminator: Salvation this past weekend and it sucked. Hardcore. Really bad. I also saw it with a pretty good buzz going, so bits and pieces were lost. In addition, the sound went out for about ten minutes mid movie, so the story (or lack there of) was even harder to follow. Therefore I decided to write a story about the Sharks, while loosely basing it on the premise of the Terminator series. Hell, just read it.
[The following story begins shortly before the end of Doug Wilson's NHL Career...]
A spark of lightning shoots through the stanky air of Daly City, right outside of the Cow Palace. As the blast spreads, a man appears in the center. But he's not naked, sorry ladies.
TCY: What day is it!? The date!?
Hobo (their kind still exist, as Morti hasn't killed any yet): March... March 12th...
TCY: THE YEAR?!?
Hobo: It's 1993. And dude, if you are from the future, that's a pretty f&*#king cliche thing to say. Plus, you know, you don't have to shout. I was confused by your line of questioning.
TCY: Now I know why Morti hates ya'll so much.
TCY, gasping for air, runs through the Cow Palace, and bursts into the dressing room of the 1992-1993 San Jose Sharks...
TCY: I'm Matt. Blogger, fearthefin.com. Assigned to protect you. You've been targeted for postseason failure. I've brought you these tapes... from the future.
Randy Hahn (via audio tape): "Doug, the hardest thing is deciding what I should tell you and what not to. Well, anyway, I've got a while yet before you're old enough to understand the tapes. They're more for me at this point... to help get it all straight. Should I tell you what to do with Marleau? That's a tough one. Will it change your decision to trade him, or not to trade him... knowing his aggregate stats for the years after the 2009 playoffs? God, you can go crazy thinking about all this..."
Doug Wilson: Where did you get these tapes?!?
TCY: I told you Doug, I was sent here, from the future.
DW: Are you sure you have the right person?
TCY: I'm sure.
DW: Come on... Do I look like the future GM of the San Jose Sharks?!? I can barely even balance my checkbook!
TCY: It is you Doug.
DW: Tell me about this "Marleau".
TCY: He's about my height. He has your skill, and more.
DW: What's he like?
TCY: You trust him. He has a strength. You would defend Patrick Marleau's leadership, although mostly silent, to the death.
DW: Well, at least I know who he is now... What's it like traveling through time?
TCY: White light, pain. It's like being born, maybe.
DW: Really? How'd it work?
TCY: Uh, uhm, I built a Delorean in my garage in my spare time. After Mr. Fusion came along, it's all pretty simple.
DW: You know, You didn't travel that far back in time, I have seen that movie. And also, the whole thing you're telling me here sounds like it's loosely based on the Terminator franchise. I think like most of the things you said were sampled directly from the script. You know, the movie that was made like 10 years ago, plus, I just saw the sequel like last year. I even bought it on laserdisk... wanna come over and watch it?
TCY: In no way am I liable for any similarities to those movies. Listen...do you smell something?
DW: Now that's from Ghostbusters. Can you quote some future stuff?
A spark flies through the dressing room, and Chris Pronger appears.
DW: I know that guy, wasn't he just drafted?
TCY: He's not a man, he's a machine... and an absolute dickhead. He'll interfere you to death, if you're not careful.
TCY: You've got long road ahead of you, bucko... Run!
Doug leaves the dressing room, confused. TCY, although he would fancy himself a world class fighting machine, can't even pretend that he would be able to defeat Pronger in a story that he's writing himself. He's thrown into Ray Whitney's locker. Somehow, though, he tricks future Pronger into a vat of molten steel, or something. And yeah, I know that's from the second movie, but whatever. Oh yeah, and then future me dies, or something.
Stay tuned for part two of this three part series...