With the 2016 NHL Awards coming up in a couple days, we’re taking a look at appropriate superlatives for each member of the 2016 San Jose Sharks. Here are the rules: the player must have played at least 10 games for the Sharks during the regular season. That’s actually the only rule. Let’s get to it.
Joe Thornton
Most likely to make a play that makes you swear in both anger and excitement in a span of five seconds.
Joe Pavelski
Has the best hands.
Brent Burns
Most likely to eat an entire pizza on the bench.
Patrick Marleau
Least likely to convince me he’s not filled with inner turmoil.
Tomas Hertl
Most likely to keep a life-size Minion stuffed toy in his locker.
Justin Braun
Top pairing defender least likely to be recognized literally anywhere. Even at his own house. Sorry Brauny.
Joel Ward
Hosts the best parties. Most likely to tell Logan Couture to shut up.
Chris Tierney
Most likely to be stopped at SAP Center security because they don’t believe he’s on the team. Sorry, Chris.
Paul Martin
Best player most likely to go unnoticed for games at a time. (It’s a compliment)
Joonas Donskoi
Best shootout taker on the Sharks.
Brenden Dillon
Most likely to be criticized when it’s not his fault.
Tommy Wingels
Most likely to be ID’d for an R-rated movie. I feel your pain, Tommy.
Marc-Edouard Vlasic
Best dogfather in the NHL. Screw you, David Backes.
Matt Nieto
Most likely to make you a fire mixtape. (For Conrad: A mixtape is something people used to make in the 90s on a thing called a cassette tape. Look it up.)
Melker Karlsson
Most likely to have a terrible, pun-based nickname.
Martin Jones
Literally a savior sent to us by God in Heaven.
Logan Couture
Most likely to be unfairly teased by this mediocre-as-shit website.
Dainius Zubrus
Shark with the best nickname (Dino).
Dylan DeMelo
Best supporting defender in a fill-in role.
Mike Brown
Most likely to be complained about in the Fear the Fin comments (regular season).
Matt Tennyson
The second-most famous Bay Area athlete from Pleasanton.
Roman Polak
Most likely to be complained about in the Fear the Fin comments (postseason).
Nick Spaling
Most likely to trick Pete DeBoer into getting tons of playing time late in postseason games.
Micheal Haley
Best Sharks face-puncher (non-mustached division).
Barclay Goodrow
On the Sharks Best Names Mt. Rushmore (you can guess the other ones).
Alex Stalock
Voted most likely to supplant Antti Niemi and become the Sharks starting goaltender.
Mirco Mueller
Most likely to be ready for the NHL “next year.” We say this every year. Forever.
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