Joe Pavelski’s big playoff break (just go with it) comes at the same time as the release of his new movie, “Captain America: Civil War” — some great synergy between the NHL and Disney, for sure. While Pavelski obviously fills in the titular role of Captain America, the rest of the team needs to be assigned a member of the San Jose Sharks. So let’s go through the cast of “Civil War,” shall we?
Captain America
We covered this already. Why didn’t you just scroll past this one? Why are you reading this now? This is amazing. I’m just going to see how long I can go before you — no hey wait okay don’t close the tab. I’m done.
Iron Man
A sassy veteran who combines self-loathing with a bit of an abrasive attitude? Hi Joe Thornton! Nice to see you! Plus, given his advanced age, he’ll probably need an Arc Reactor pretty soon.
Winter Soldier
Someone who has been around forever but isn’t actually that old? Someone who can match the extreme power of Captain America and Iron Man? Gotta be Marc-Edouard Vlasic.
Falcon
He’s not quite as powerful as Captain America, but he’s also great and a lot of fun. How about the embodiment of the emoji — Joel Ward.
Black Widow
Not the biggest or the strongest, but capable of using quickness to dice through the enemy. How about (one of) the smallest players on the Sharks (by weight): Joonas Donskoi.
War Machine
It would probably be unfair to classify War Machine as Iron Man’s sidekick, but i’m totally going to do it anyway. He’s dope as hell but, come on, he’s not Iron Man. Go get ’em Justin Braun. Have some fun out there.
Hawkeye
A great shot who is probably a little under-appreciated because none of us like Jeremy Renner that much. He’s definitely not one of the Big Guns, but he’s also a lot more important than we give him credit for. So, right, he’s Logan Couture.
Ant-Man
He doesn’t really fit in with the rest of the guys because, well, he’s not one of the guys. He’s a hero, there’s no doubt about that, but his quirky sense of humor and general weirdness keeps him from fitting into the core. So he’s basically the Avengers equivalent of a goalie. Martin Jones it is!
Vision
I thought this was going to be tough at first but then it became so obvious. He’s extremely powerful, but I don’t really know anything about him and honestly he doesn’t seem to know much about himself. Paul Martin, anyone?
Scarlet Witch
Powerful but still a long way from tapping into the full potential available? Easy: Tomas Hertl.
Spider-Man
The Sharks aren’t exactly a young team — not really, anyway. But Tommy Wingels looks like a damn high schooler so he gets to be Spider-Man now. Congrats.
Bonus Avengers:
Hulk
So yeah, he doesn’t actually appear in “Civil War,” but I wasn’t going to make this list without Brent Burns on it. He’s here now and this is honestly the most obvious choice on the list.
Thor
He’s powerful and has great hair. We’re going to give Patrick Marleau the benefit of the doubt here because of his killer eyebrows. I know it’s a stretch, but think of how sad he’d be if he didn’t make this list. I know, I’m getting all weepy about it, too.
(Go vote for Joe Pavelski here, or by tweeting #NHL17Pavelski until noon Pacific time.)
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