When Jamie McGinn scored his first goal of the 2010-2011 season last night, it changed the course of history. World hunger ceased for a brief moment– millions of enemy combatants lay down their weapons in a protest for peace. Somewhere, a newborn baby wrote a fifteen page dissertation on the meaning of life, religion, and pea puree.
It was a day that saw the Sharks snap a six game losing streak. It was a day where one win in seven games felt just like four wins in seven games.
It was a day where the demons were finally put to rest.
A rebound lies in the crease, glorious vulcanized rubber lying gracefully on a sheet of serene white ice. As McGinn approaches his destiny, familiar voices begin to occupy his mind.
Todd Marchant: MCGINN, YE OF LIMITED SCORING ABILITY. I COME TO YOU TODAY AS I HAVE COME TO YOU EVER BEFORE, A BURDEN ON YOUR WAYWARD SOUL. TO BREAK THIS SCORING CURSE IS TO FORSAKE YOUR BROTHER IN DROUGHT. FOR I AM ANOTHER FORWARD WHO HAS YET TO SCORE IN 40+ NHL GAMES THIS SEASON, AND I WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO DISRUPT THIS SCORING CHANCE THROUGH MENTAL TREPIDATION. I BESTOW UPON YOU MY CURSED HANDS, WHOSE ONLY PURPOSE IS TO WIN SHORTHANDED FACEOFFS.
Jamie McGinn: Marchant of Anaheim, your vile tongue. It pulls me into the darkness and extracts the oxygen from my weary lungs. With the hope of the heavens my stick flies straight and true. I will break this curse and rise like a phoenix anew.
Brad Staubitz: MCGINN, YE OF FANNED SHOTS. YOUR COMRADERIE IN THE LOCKER ROOM KNOWS NO BOUNDS, YOUR INTANGIBLES SPEAK TO ME THROUGH OUR GOALLESS SHROUD. UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU SET OUT TO DO TODAY. I COME TO YOU AS A FORMER BROTHER, A TEAMMATE, A FRIEND– MY SUGGESTIONS ARISE FROM A PLACE OF WARMTH AND LOVE. IF I WAS YOU I’D FORSAKE THE SHOT ATTEMPT, TAKING A RUN AT ALEX PIETRANGELO INSTEAD. I BESTOW UPON YOU ILL-TIMED PENALTIES IN THE OFFENSIVE ZONE, THE KEY TO A LONG-LASTING NHL CAREER.
Jamie McGinn: Staubitz of Minnesota, your suggestions astound. A sixth round pick for your services, a road I fear to go down. With the blessings of San Jose my eyes stand transfixed on the opportunity at my feet. My focus unburdened, I pray for the harmonious sound of 17,562 fans rising out of their seats.
Rob Niedermayer: MCGINN, YE OF GOALS FOR NAUGHT. I HAVE FOLLOWED YOUR SEASON CLOSELY, PLEASED WITH YOUR PROGRESS. YOU HAVE BECOME A FOURTH LINE GRINDER UNABLE TO ADD TO THE SCOREBOARD, YOUR VALUE TO THE TEAM NOT LYING IN THE GOAL SCORING REALM. UNLIKE MY BROTHER SCOTT I HAVE LEARNED THE VALUE OF LOW EXPECTATIONS. IF YOU DARE TO PUT THIS PUCK INTO THE BACK OF THE NET, MUCH WILL BE EXPECTED OF YOU, YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES INCREASED TENFOLD. I BESTOW UPON YOU MY CREAKY SHOULDERS, WHOSE ONLY PURPOSE IS TO DRIVE OPPOSING DEFENSEMAN INTO THE BOARDS.
Jamie McGinn: Niedermayer of Buffalo, your eyes deceive. For I am a goal scorer searching for the red light, the life I was born to lead. With the power of my father in attendance above this puck will fly to the back of the twine. I will break this curse, for my shot is a fine wine that has only gotten better as it has aged with time.
ALL: MCGINN, YE OF STONE FILLED GLOVES. THIS PUCK APPEARS TO HAVE CROSSED THE LINE, WHAT HORRORS HAVE YOU DONE? DO YOU FAIL TO REALIZE THE SEVERITY OF THE PATH YOU NOW WALK ALONE? WE CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOUR FOLLY, YOUR BEWILDERING SUCCESS IN THE OFFENSIVE ZONE!
Jamie McGinn: You demons of opposing teams, forwards without a name. I have lifted the burden of zero, victorious and without shame. Your words they were so tempting, your jealousy vile and blue. I bestow upon you my sweat-drenched jock strap, and hope these goals never find you.
Since Friday, Jamie McGinn has scored at a goal per game pace. That puts him on pace for 36 goals to close out this season. Steven Stamkos has 33, and Sidney Crosby currently sits at 32. With a little more power play time and a few extra shifts at even strength, there’s a distinct possibility McGinn gets to around 45 goals or so this season.
I’m just saying, we could be talking Rocket Richard here sometime next week.
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